Miami Police Beat

The Miami Student, Miami's twice-weekly paper, always has a "Police Beat" side column. Reading about the sort of trouble Miami undergraduates get in, and their response to authority, is often entertaining--this week's three stories, however, made me laugh out loud. All transcribed from The Miami Student.

Male with wet crotch claims he works for U.S.

At around 2 a.m. Sunday, officers were dispatched to a disturbance at Woody's One Up at 11 S. Main St. When police arrived, an employee of the bar reportedly said a male subject had urinated in the bar and on the dance floor and attempted to punch the owner when he tried to remove him. Police reportedly met with the male who gave them a Kentucky driver's license issued to Ryan Harrison, 26. When officers were speaking with the male he reportedly yelled at them and said they would not dictate terms to him. When police spoke with the male, his crotch was reportedly wet, he had the odor of alcohol on his breath and was slurring his speech. Officers reportedly told the male to leave the area and not to come back. The male began walking away but then stopped and yelled expletives at the police and repeated that they didn't "dictate terms" to him. Police then reportedly took the male into custody and found another Kentucky driver's license issued to Miami University student Michael Sebastian, II. Sebastian was taken into custody and allegedly told officers he was an employee of the United States of America, and they would be fired from the United States of America for arresting him. Sebastian was charged with underage intoxication, possession of a fake I.D., disorderly conduct and obstructing official business.

Female drives recklessly, thinks it is funny

Around 1:40 a.m. Saturday, officers reportedly observed a black Nissan traveling north on College Corner Pike that accelerated above the speed limit of 35 mph and swerved from curb to curb almost losing control. When the officer stopped the car, the driver was identified as Miami University sophomore Casey Ellerman. Police reportedly detected the odor of an alcoholic beverage on her breath and when they asked her why she was driving recklessly she said she thought it was funny. Ellerman reportedly told the officer she had consumed a couple of vodka shots and some beer at a party. Ellerman reportedly performed poorly on field sobriety tests and asked police "Are you f*cking kidding me?" after they gave her directions to perform the one-legged stand. Ellerman was taken to OPD and a Breathalyzer found her BAC to be 0.26. Ellerman was cited for operating a vehicle while intoxicated, underage intoxication and willful or wanton disregard for safety.

Sleeping student says he had a 'rough night'

At 1 a.m. Saturday, officers observed a male subject passed out on a park bench near the intersection of Main and High streets. The officer reported noticing a number of females taking inappropriate pictures with the male subject, but when the officer approached they quickly left the area. The male was lying on his back with an iPhone on his chest and appeared to have vomit on his shirt. According to police reports, the male was originally unresponsive but sat up quickly after a few attempts to wake him. The male was identified as Miami University sophomore Alexander Campbell, 20. Campbell reportedly had the odor of an alcoholic beverage on his breath and told police he had been drinking, and it had been "a rough night." Campbell reportedly told police he knew nothing about the pictures that were being taken of him. Campbell was charged with underage intoxication and public intoxication.